"THE TRESSPASSER"
The buzzing had BEGUN...I awoke to that all too familiar sound of summer. I knew it was bound to be a big bugger, it’s just frigging typical. It starts in some inconvenient day in April when the climate has suddenly decided to shift to 100 degrees. You know the day, when people are caught off guard unsure of what the dress code is. Some venture out buttoned up in duffel coats and scarves and complain in shops that the temperature is too high. Others are indecisive and make a compromise, such as a woollen jumper with shorts and sandals. Anyways basically I tend to leave a window open a smidge to attempt to stay cool. However for some reason at precisely 7am every morning of summer a bee gets in my room, I think God has something to do with it....l’m one of those chaps he likes to poke with a stick you see. I haven’t liked bees since I was young. One stung me once on a farm when I was seven. I don’t even like farms always full of wildlife and toilet smells. I do respect the bees’ importance so avoid killing them....I channel that anger in swatting wasps or snapping the odd pencil. I know what you’re thinking just close the window a tad. Well I’ve tried that even to the point of merely a one centimetre gap.....And they/he/she still gets in. I don’t know whether one bee per year gets assigned this prank of a task or if they do it in shifts? But I do know for sure only the big buggers get the job. I then spend the next half an hour as a matador clutching a whiskey tumbler and piece of card slyly opening the curtain every so often, assessing the situation, and awaiting the Bumble-Charge. Tactics do depend on the mood of the bee. The whiskey tumbler and piece of card are only if the bee gets beyond the first wall of defence, “The curtain.” Frantic buzzing, angry bees, can often require a quick hand to force the window open wider in the hope that this will instigate a release. A stealthy bee can trick you into thinking it’s got bored and left to bother someone else; buzzing for a moment, then as you drift off back to sleep, opens with a 60 second flurry of buzzing. This requires careful peering from behind the curtain, assessing the bee’s positioning before slyly opening the window further at small fractions each time. Eventually the bee will get onto the outside of the window at which point you quickly close and lock the window and begin breathing again. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, the bees have seen I have a formula they will probably adapt and evolve with time. So I will treat each incident with caution, maybe God will introduce a new beast more worthy of the task. Stay vigilant and always ensure the first line of defence, “The Curtain,” is in operation.
